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The meme sheep are grazing all over Facebook this week.

I was relieved when the cartoons-for-child-abuse thing went away. I really prefer clearly identifiable profile pics/userpics/icons. I want to be able to tell at a glance who I'm looking at – because, let's face it, some people get more of my attention than others. I want people to be able to easily see when it's me. That's why I mostly use my face. I may not like my face much, but it is incontrovertibly me, and mine.

The messages-to-the-numbers thing is interesting. I'm treating the ones I see as a guessing game. I'm not playing myself, though. For the most part all my friends should know what I think of them. I did that whole series of essays, for one thing, and I don't really conceal much. If anyone doesn't know, it's probably because I don't have much to say anyway. I'm not submitting numbers in part for the same reason. I mean, how many times have I exchanged one of these with [livejournal.com profile] daeron? I think we know where we stand. With others, I want to know very desperately, but only if it's what I want to hear. I'm not brave enough to take the chance, the likelihood, of being disappointed. I don't think my fragile self-esteem can take the hit. Oddly, it's not that I fear hearing something actually negative. I'm more worried about the lukewarm or indifferent. I don't want to know that I just don't matter.

Finally, several people linked to an article about depression. Amusingly enough, until I started thinking about this post last night, I hadn't noticed that I'm currently depressed. It's not like there were any ENORMOUS clues, like sleeping through most of Thanksgiving weekend and failing to contact a dear friend for a visit. Or obsessively playing logic games on the computer in preference over all other activities, including sleeping and eating. Yes, friends, the reason that I so often state the obvious is because the rest of the time I completely fail to see it. Anyway, what I wish I'd learned early, and that I could remember more often, is that one can be in a good mood and still be depressed at the same time. The physiological and behavioral symptoms are just as real and debilitating when the emotional ones are absent.

No need for anyone to be concerned. Both I and my doctor have been expecting and waiting for this to happen before adjusting the dosage. I was on a higher dose of the previous medication, but it didn't make sense to increase this one until we were sure that it wasn't sufficient. I already have an appointment at the beginning of January. And now that I've noticed, I should be able to manage it fine until then.
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abject misery )

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collacentaur

May 2011

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